Beware Da Monster, aka The Montage

May 19, 2008

Monster MontageWe don’t ordinarily do hotel reviews here at Desperate Exes, but I consider this a public service announcement! To all of my friends and fans in LA, BEWARE: a disaster of a hotel is coming to Beverly Hills and it is called “The Montage,” aka “Da Monster!” These people cannot get it right after 5 years in Laguna Beach, on the ocean. What will they be do on Wilshire Boulevard? It was much nicer as a trailer park, yes for all of you this “Monster by the Sea” was at one time a trailer park, a very nice one but none the less a trailer park! It would have been better if they had left it that way. At least you would have got to see the ocean and maybe catch a cool breeze! And for all of my clients looking to get away for the weekend and hang at the shore…..go to Santa Barbara, The Biltmore is 1000’s of times better and the beaches are wonderful…if you are depressed about a relationship, The Montage will have you looking for a cliff to jump off of!

For those of us who call Beverly Hills our home or place of work there is a bright spot: the Waldorf Astoria is going to be built and that will provide the kind of ambiance and service many have come to enjoy from true Five Star hotels… something you will never get at “Da Monster.”

Webster defines Montage as “an artistic composition of several different elements.” Hmmm, could it also be defined as “a group of disorganized orangutans?”

OK, I guess you can tell already I am not happy! I and my son were invited to “Da Monster” for a weekend of sun and fun and wonderful ocean views and all the rest that goes with that. My client, who let’s just say is very wealthy, has always enjoyed “Da Monster,” to the point of spending weeks at this disaster by the sea. BUT! He is very wealthy and that is when the “Da Monster” turns into the Montage! Now you would think that when one of your best and maybe biggest customers books 60 plus rooms for his friends and family that this group of morons would get it right! Right? Wrong! That would happen at the Ritz and Waldorf or several other great locations who know how to do it right. LMAO….not this shipwreck location!

I arrived at this well lit moth trap and was shown to what could be the worst room in the place, it was like a tomb. It had four walls and a big sliding door that overlooked someone else’s room! Here I am am at the”shore” and the only breeze I am getting is from my nostrils! My son looks at me and says, “this room sucks!” Having traveled all over the world with me, he too knows a good hotel and what a 5 Star hotel room should look like. I go down to the desk and speak with some fool with an earpiece and I tell him what I think, as many of you know that can be entertaining, Bozo Boy has an earpiece and appears to be getting instruction from one of the head monkeys. Well he does what every imbecile I have encountered at second rate hotels does with ear pieces and tells me that he cannot help me but perhaps “the night manager” can help. Out of the shadows comes Nicole, attractive, blond and well-trained to handle people like me, as I am sure this happens often. Unless you are one of the rich folk! She too listens and is wanting to be helpful but what she does not understand this high dollar dump by the sea has already pissed me off! During the course of my conversation with “night manager lady” I tell her that I would bet that I have the worst room in the hotel! She tells me, “that is very likely true!”…un-F’n believable! I thought I was getting “punked,” you know, crazy shit happens to you and one of my crazy whacko friends comes out of the back office laughing! Not this time, this is as good as it gets in getting told how insignificant I am at this disaster by the sea!

I and my son were offered to partake of one of the restaurants at “Da Monster” and they too were a little slow on the up swing! Chris and I walked in and I asked for a table for two on the patio…again to try and partake of some of the ambiance of this joint…that damn ocean that I cannot even get to smell never mind see. Well we had no less than four people at the desk trying to see where they would put us, an hour from closing time. With all this staff it would be better to get rid of half and hire two with brains. We left this dungeon of aggravation and went into town and had a pizza, BJ’s is a great place to eat if ever you come to Laguna and stay at one of the many wonderful places along the coast that are NOT THE MONTAGE…

It just kept going downhill. Finally we just tried to get some sleep, but due to no breeze, little air, and the air conditioning not working on the hottest day of the year, I woke up sweating and had a terrible headache, and my son too was not feeling well…having checked in at 9PM, we checked out at 5 AM to end the nightmare. Not even for free was it worth staying at this dump! Seriously do yourselves a favor and stay at some of the smaller resorts, they are wonderful and soooo accommodating. The service is better, the view is the same and you get to have access to the very same beach as the victims of “Da Monster!”

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