The Divorce Diet: Chardonnay…or Cocaine

John J. Nazarian
June 16, 2008

LeftoversNeed to lose weight? Well, there is the Atkins, South Beach, Grapefruit and “I am a cow” diet. However one of the most scarily effective ones that I have ever seen is the Divorce Diet — and I’m not talking about losing the 200 lbs of flab that is Mr. Ex.

I have found that many people going through a divorce will drop weight and even become sickly when going through this gauntlet of misery. Sometimes it is from depression. But often alcohol is the problem, and sometimes it was the problem that may have caused the disintegration of the marriage to begin with. Many years ago I had a client who we would drive home to her estate in Malibu, and every day we would stop for 3 or 4 bottles of Chardonnay. If we did not stop she would go on her own! It got to the point that from almost the California Incline to the Ventura County Line she had cleaned out the entire stretch to the point I would go in and the clerk would tell me your friend cleaned us out. Many women are driven to drink by the clowns that they marry, just that simple! It is either that or sit in a corner and babble.

If you are not careful, the stress, the alcohol, bad sleeping habits, and the lack of food will have you dropping weight faster than any fat farm or diet ever invented! That is one of the reasons that we will often move in with a client if the funds are there and prepare dinners, lunch and breakfast. We will also try and limit the alcohol, and of course there are the clients who will try and numb the pain with drugs, that is a whole other story! However even with all of this, getting them to eat is a good thing, and sitting down at a table and eating regularly is an incredible thing too, as people with addiction issues seldom sit and eat at a table with others. They stand, they walk, they eat in bed or they just pick.

When people are drinking it is a different high and a little different drop when they are coming down, just a little… but drugs! Oh my Fn forget about it! They will (in their mind) now think you are working with the soon to be Ex…or did you take the jewelry?! Another problem with “druggies,” they will surround themselves with all the WRONG Fn people! Yes, this is true of rich or working people, they will find the biggest misfits and have them around…often with a common interest…Birds of a Feather Will Snort Together.

If I have a choice of poison give me the alcoholic; the drug abusers are tough — very sneaky, cold and calculating and there is always a paranoid fear of a conspiracy, usually involving the very people who are trying hardest to help. Oh, and be careful no matter what you do it is going to be wrong, and that is because they are not thinking! They are slowly killing themselves and the routine is the same for people with money and people with none…same nasty hygiene, same nasty scabs and take it from a former embalmer, when a person of wealth dies foaming from the mouth and bloating, they look just like the street person who died from the same drug usage, drooling and bloated…it is the great equalizer! Now I am going to be very honest here, if we are getting paid enough I will put up with it — for awhile. Note: remember Linda Blair in her great movie The Exorcist? When she had that look of satisfaction on her demon face after her head spun around spewing green puke…that is the look I get to see from some of my clients, after they have just tried throwing us under a bus! One minute you are the father figure they never had, the next you are a car thief because you won’t let them drive. I had one tell a police detective that it was my fault that she did not go to court as I had hidden her mail! Thanks Ron!

So if you have a friend or relative going through divorce, and they are looking a little lighter and truly seem happy, good! However, if you see them and they are lighter and looking haggard, please pay attention and do the best you can, and if they continue to spiral out of control try and get them some kind of help before they’ve lost more than just weight.

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