I have heard through the grapevine MILLIONS were paid to make one “victim” go away, and even a couple of lesser victims got more than they could have ever dreamed of. However, there are people in the world that a million, 2 million, 3 million is a little like tipping the parking attendant a $ 10 bill: big deal for that parking guy, ain’t shit for the guy giving it…very similar here folks.

And in some people’s circles, when you put your ass on the line and “stay the course” it is expected that you and those close to you will be taken care of. That is real old school if you get what I am saying here folks. Anthony took the fall and several people tripped and only one got trapped, well sorta. And as we all know, I am not sure if any insurance policy covers criminal acts. And in the end what is a an old law career worth anyways, 1 million, 2 million, 3 million…well I think you are getting the point here.

There is more to come here as to financial windfalls. Knowing that your friend is sticking it to you, that is painful. Thinking you have a friend and realizing it was all make believe, what is that worth? Oh in this case it could be worth more than that first windfall…or could it?

Very rich divorce lawyers battling it out in the civil courts and one is guilty as hell and the other is a victim. The problem is the next payout will not be fast and easy as this last one. Damn, Tap Tap Tap away…as it is so often stated, the rich get richer, and the rest of us? We at least sleep well, right fellas?

Becoming a grandfather is an incredible thing. My middle name is James and what an honor to have my grandson named after…me! They named their son after me! I am looking forward to watching James grow, and to assure that he is in the right financial place a stock portfolio will have been put together by the time you read this! After all, if James is going to be named after me he should, at the appropriate time, have a few bucks in his pocket.

I wish Victoria and Chris all the best, and they will have to remember that for the rest of their lives they are now Mom and Dad. And their focus should be to make sure their son James has all the world can offer to him, but most of all the love and caring of each other and together sharing that with James…I am sure they will do all of that as they will be reminded “once in awhile” who James’s grandfather is.

Victoria and Chris, job well done!

Dad

I spoke to Chantel briefly and she too seems very nice, great-looking gal, tall and slender and she was carrying a great handbag. She was also very well-spoken and, just as Jason, was very friendly. I am sure at one time they were a great couple and for now they are both on the “bench.” Commissioner James D. Endman is presiding over the case, Neil Hersh and Peter Lauzon were very nice to each other as they postured for a serious bombing run of each other’s clients, the calm before the storm if you will. And with these two titans of divorce you know that it will get ugly, it has to and why you ask? Sean Stewart…who? SEAN STEWART, Rod Stewart’s kid…he is the other man! I am not sure when he popped up but he is there and it has to be a little chafing to Mr. Kendall to see him around his soon-to-be-ex wife.

It is reported that Chantel Kendall and Sean Stewart met in re-hab, I always tell people you can find love in many places, why not re-hab? Sean was being very attentive towards Chantel and it was sweet to observe. This was just before the hearing before Commissioner Endman, then Sean took a powder — well, he actually took an elevator and did not sit in on the hearing. That was a smart thing to do, no need to piss off a guy who more likely than not has a bat close by. He too seemed like a nice kid and who am I to judge, we are all who we are.

But how cool must it be to be Rod Stewart’s kid? Sean has had years of difficulty with drugs and alcohol and has fought a tough battle with those demons. I wish all of these people the best, it is never easy for anyone to “get better,” and to stay the course. At least he is trying, and for Chantel, the stress of a divorce can push even a strong and sober individual over the edge…remember, divorce is a nasty and horrible experience. In the end you are always going to be “Mom” and Jason will always be “Dad” and if you can both “get it,” it might be better for all involved.

Punjabi woman says to her mother:

“I’m divorcing Kuldip… all he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent coin when it used to be the size of a 5 cent coin.”
Mother responds:
“You’re married to a millionaire lawyer …
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Canada ,
you drive a Mercedes 300SEL ….
you get $10,000 a week allowance …
you take 6 vacations a year …..
……….and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?”

Virginia, Judge Goldberg’s charismatic clerk, advised the parties that the lunch hour was 6 minutes away. Jeffrey said, “I only need four. What will I do with the other two minutes?” After daddy exchanged a significant cashier’s check, Sklan graciously agreed to dismiss the matter, in toto, while simultaneously computing the attorney’s fees that should apply. For such an excitable guy, his presentation was unusually terse and calm. It was over by 12:58.

As we walked out of the building he said, “John, if you waste a bench officer’s time, your client suffers. Get to the point and don’t repeat yourself.”

Not bad advice. But not as good as what followed.

Eventually the lady behind the counter got the orders straight and we overate at the Grand Central Market. I was in the mood for a lamb sandwich, Jeff ordered a burrito with extra beans, ouch! And Jeff speaks Spanish with a Jewish tone, it is great, you have to be there. I was lamenting the general state of the fathers who produce a bunch of kids and then weasel out of their obligations. “Are people getting dumber or is it my imagination?” I wondered out loud.

Jeffrey was laughing and then proceeded to tell me how, when his own nephew graduated high school and was hoping for a new car, Jeffrey offered him a different gift. “At first he was kinda skeptical, John. But, I told him he would thank me later…”

“So what was it, a used car?” I asked.

“No, I got him the new car. But I made him get a vasectomy first. He’s thanked me ever since.” Sklan has great timing, just as I took another bite out of my lamb sandwich, I had a visual of this “transaction.” Jeff you are right, timing is everything, next time I will tell you about my time in the embalming room just as you cut into the medium rare filet.

“No Fault Divorce” is a wonderful thing, except for one little thing, the human element. What is that you ask? It is the wondering who the “whore,” “slut,” or younger woman is that is getting all that lovin’ and stuff you are not. Or, who is that dark-haired youngster with the abs and that dam 10 inch personality that works for him several times a day and night…like you did at one time…blood pressure meds are a bitch. Oh for sure “No Fault” is here to stay, and so is the human element.

I recently did a piece on some ridiculous “franchise” to sell to someone who would assist in a friendly divorce and try and make people play nice. That is a great idea and to some degree I get it, but I also get Easter and do not believe in the Easter Bunny. No Fault is for many just a legal term, and private investigators know darn well that there has to be “fault” and it is laying right next to “reason.” It has to be someone’s “fault” that he or she no longer loves me, and further more I want to know the “reason.” Just like in the days before No Fault.

New York never got it passed as it is one of the only states with a very strong State Bar and it gets no simpler than that. Along with falling in love with the No Fault there are several states that are not so friendly towards the female part in the divorce, for example Ohio. Ohio seems to lean towards the sperm donor’s side in regards to community property and support…it is just how it seems to me. I love the Chili Dogs in Toledo.

Happy Birthday “No Fault” and thanks for keeping a roof over my head!

Larger story to follow…John

For a a long time I have felt that the problem with the auto industry is not the products. It is the experience of having to deal with “sales people,” yes, those people who play the game of trying to sell you a car or truck. Another aspect that I find surprising is how they turn me from a “buyer” into a “shopper.” It is no wonder these dealers and the manufacturers are having a tough time, and it is right in front of them, turn these nit-wits into greeters like Walmart. Perhaps Walmart is not a good example, as they are very successful. What does buying a car have to do with DesperateExes.com? Very simple, dozens and dozens of my clients and readers have had to buy their own cars after getting rid of the former loves of their lives. And we are often asked what do I think about this car choice or that one. My readers and clients will benefit from keeping away from Keyes Woodland Hills Buick, GMC, Cadillac. They are often stressed enough and don’t need to get “smacked” trying to rebuild their lives, and having a car is critical to the rebuilding and feeling good about one’s self.

Now as many of you know I have a small collection of interesting cars, both domestic and English, all different price ranges. I buy what I want and all I expect is a reasonable deal. Most of the time I do it on line and it has always worked for me. But not so much lately, some dealers do not respond, or in the case of my most recent experience you are just dealing with a “fisher.” What I mean is this person on the internet that you are making contact with is going to hook you into coming in, and then just send you to a “sales person” on the floor when you arrive. In the past the individual online that I was speaking to or e-mailing was the person I dealt with in the purchase, thus, doing it online for the most part was not bad.

Keyes Woodland Hills Buick - GMC - Cadillac has figured a way to mess all of this up. I spoke to a nice young lady that I had contacted doing an online search for GMC Yukons. When we arrived we were shoved off to a salesman, who once he heard my mouth thought better and suggested we be given to the “Fleet guy” (see were we are going her folks?). Well “Charlie” was alright, and while sitting in an office the size of a large closet and with all his L.A.P.D. photos of himself in uniform it was obvious that he was a one time officer. “20 years“ when I asked was his response, never looking up from his keyboard. We wanted a 3/4 ton Yukon and it had to be loaded, that is how I like to buy my cars, all the bells and ringers. All those little things make fat extra profit for the dealer when you compare the aftermarket cost, but I like the factory finish. Even If I never use them, they are there for me to look at and if I want to, to enjoy. There was none on the lot as this dealership had just been taken over by Keyes and it had a pretty skinny inventory. Well “Charlie” punched all the keys and came up with a vehicle I was ready to place an order on…BUT! Ahhh the BUT!

Then “Charlie” did it, I asked, “how much over invoice,” he tells me “‘$1,000.” I tell him that I had $200 in mind. Then “Charlie” tells me, “well it is supposed to be $1,500 over.” I laugh and tell him well that is not going to happen either. Then “Charlie” tells me how tough it is to get the truck that I want, due to GM not building anything and on and on, blah blah…Now, here comes the best part folks, if I had given the $1000 over the invoice price, GM had no problem. The car was going to be easy to get! The “PROBLEM” is my friend “Charlie” and Keyes Woodland Hills, NOT GM! You see here is the rub, not only do they make money at different levels of being a dealer such as the “hold back,” but there are other incentives for a dealer to move the “units.” Now my friend “Charlie” is not going to budge, he tells me, “I will check with my manager”…that was several days ago and I have not been contacted. I almost forgot, “Charlie” was nice enough to give me a print out of the invoice and the MSRP, that being the suggested retail of the truck or “unit” as they are known. When I look at the invoice there is a $1,150.30 charge for “ADVERT/ADJUSTMENTS,“ what the hell is this? Sounds to me to be more profit being hidden in the deal. Now wait a minute, am I being told that they have spent $1,150.30 on advertising my new truck that I was attempting to place an order on??? How could they spend that much to advertise my truck, no wonder GM went broke! My point here is this folks, KEYES WOODLAND HILLS Buick, GMC, Cadillac is not, in my opinion dealing fairly and were trying to take advantage of my son and me. More likely than not I was going to be a cash buyer, just write the check or maybe, if they had some good financing I may go for 24 months, who knows? We never got that far…boy if that was not arrogance. It was either going to be “Charlie’s” way or no way. There are too many dealers still sucking wind, and GM is still not out of the woods yet, and guess what, I would guess that the owner, CEO, COO or whoever really runs these places would be happy with my encounter at Keyes Woodland Hills, Buick, GMC, Cadillac.

I mentioned to “Charlie” that we had thought of purchasing a 2010 Cadillac Escalade ESV, Platinum Edition and was promptly told by “Charlie,” “good luck, you won’t find any of them around” using that all-knowing salesman chatter and tone of voice. Well, not wanting to miss a beat I told him not to worry about them being rare and hard to find, Symes Cadillac in Pasadena has two, one of which I test drove and loved! But we are looking for a true 4 wheel drive heavy duty SUV. At this point I was hoping that “Charlie” was a better cop than he was a salesman, as he was losing us fast, real fast. This was a great learning experience for my son however. Having purchased over 45 new cars and trucks through my life it was nice for son to get a taste of the games that some dealerships will try to employ to remove your hard-earned money from your wallet. Note: Symes Cadillac was a great place to deal with and the people were friendly and at all times reasonable with us, UNLIKE Keyes Woodland Hills.

Just before GM went spinning out of control, I visited Casa De Cadillac here in the Valley and was greeted by a “salesman” who was telling me how “rare” these new cadillac XLRs were and “they were getting thousands over sticker.” I was having one of my Cadillacs worked on as the car was in need of new tires and I thought I would look at the new models. You see my friends, you go in and want to make a deal and buy a shiny new car and these greedy pigs want to make love to you with a broom stick! I say get rid of the sales people, let me deal with the factory and visit a location where I can look at or drive the vehicle I am interested in. This way people like us do not have to be insulted by people who are trying to hustle us and to some degree rip us off! And turn these “sales people” into greeters who will show you to a comfortable seating area and get you something nice to drink while you decide what the color of your new vehicle will be.

Sure the gist of the program is “being unreasonable is going to cost you money” and of course with an attorney, “they are going to take your money.” Duh, that is why they practice law, to make a living, hmmm maybe they should charge a “franchise” fee! One gentleman is quoted, “to buy a franchise you should have a strong background in either business, finance or law,” NO SHIT!!!!??? Another golden moment is this, “We do have people leave our process because they get back together, and to me that is a gift. Marriage is a great thing, and if we got better at handling divorce, we might have fewer of them in the future.” What kind of Whammy Mammy horse shit is this? Sure if we could take away all the guns we would not have people killing each other with guns…knife sales would increase!

Whoever thinks that you can two people who have either betrayed one another or one side or the other feels wronged, no halfwit with a “Feel Good and Be Nice” franchise is going to make it all better. Simple. Divorce is ugly and it makes no difference what state you do it in. Certainly some states are more let’s say “friendly” to one gender or the other, however, it is still going to be not nice. Like being snowed in with 6 feet of snow or 8 feet of snow, not going to fun to shovel!

I would love to sell a franchise for DesperateExes.com, too bad for me, it is just a hobby. One other question I have, would this “franchise” of love and understanding be like practicing law without a license, or medicine with no license? Just thinking outside the box!

Please do your own homework as well, and not just before you hire someone. When you look at your statement, ask questions and if it seems too high, mention it to the attorney or the office administrator. It will keep the air clear and limit the stress as to the ride of your life, DIVORCE. Communicate, tell your lawyer how you are doing financially and if it gets too big, then shame on them. It may also be a motivator for your lawyer to go into court for fees. Yes! How about that, whoever has the most money has to pay, well that is how it is supposed to work. Rest your fingers, I do understand that sometimes it is tough to get any money, but you have to try and your lawyer should understand that also…..you need to save for a rainy day, and my friend it will rain!

Good Luck, and I hope that those of you going through a divorce will survive the ride of your lives with dignity and financial security. Having one of these folks on your side will help.

** indicates lawyers I’ve never worked with but recommended by those I trust

Sorrell Trope
Michael Trope
Robert M. Cohen
Lisa Helfend Meyer
Bruce Abramson **
Dana Lowy
Doreen Olson
Pat Phillips**
Stephen Gersman**
Felicia Meyer
Gary Fishbein
Judy Bogen
Bob Friedman**
Joe Mannis
Ilene E. Trabolsi
Neil Hersh
Susan Wiesner
Ros Soudry
Samantha Spector**
Debra Frank
Manly Freid**
Cary Goldstein
Dennis Wasser**
Lawrence Leone
Anne C. Kiley
Daniel Jaffe
Grace Jamra
Jim Klein**
Stacy D. Philips
Ron Rale
John R. Schilling** (Orange County)
Laura Wasser**
Steven Knowles
Joe Langolis**
Elizabeth E.Vogt, Esq. (Santa Barbara)
John Summers**
Peter A. Lauzon
Melanie Mandels**
Adam P. Lipsic
Anne N. Slusser
Lorri A. Howe
Rich Kotler **
Ira M. Friedman
Sam Bransky**
Ron Litz
Tamar Poladian
Elyse Margolin
Avi Levy
Patrick Decarolis

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my
annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked
why and she said, “Because . . . I’m trying to examine you.”

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then
I realized that God doesn’t work that way.. So I stole a bike and
asked Him to forgive me.