Mirka Royston was great at throwing me questions that were relevant for this group.  Mirka is one of those people that no matter how nuts a client is, she will still stay close and try and remain compassionate…not everyone has such patience when dealing with some clients!   I could tell from the questions there is one subject in particular that I need to address more and it is very relevant to all who employ any domestic help.  Know who you are allowing into your house!  When you hire someone go and visit their home!  Go and meet their “family” and make a copy of their ID and vehicle registration or something, so that when it all goes wrong as it often does, you know them as something more than “Rosa” or “Mario.” For very obvious reasons you need to have a picture and a thumb print, so you can show a police officer or a private investigator who it was that stole your life!

We also covered the “garbage issues” and this group got it fast and understood the issues not just at the office but also at the home.  Know what you are putting at the curb before I do!

This was so much fun, thank you Mirka for thinking of me.  Oh, but wait…I also got to see the very famous Trope and Trope courtroom…yes this firm has a real court room built across the hall from their suite…only Sorrell!

Two of my very favorite clients wanted me to accompany them on a trip to Mexico (security issues and a sense of security are always important). Having traveled with the wife, I knew it was going to be fun. When I arrived at the Van Nuys airport I was greeted by Captain Brandon McCabe with XOJET. Captain McCabe gave me a tour of this 20 mil$$$$ flying carpet and he was as impressive as the craft he was commanding, yup former U.S.Army officer and pilot..anyone who protects this country can fly me anywhere! And the fun started when we boarded this very new Citation X, $20,000,000 plus of flying luxury, I can only compare it to a flying Phantom! Polished woods, wonderful leather seats a sound system that made you think that Ella, Frank, and Peggy were in the back jamming together! Just as we left the ground there was Sinatra singing “come fly with me”…unless you looked out the portal you had no idea you were even moving and move we did, at almost 700 mph!

We land at the airport in Puerto Vallarta and are greeted by the Mexican Immigration and of course when you arrive in this fashion people know that “someone” is special and the service was the best…(fly into this place commercial and the feeling is a little different).

Well, off we go and I am now at the Four Seasons Resort at Punta Mita…they have a 20 minute driveway from the main road! We had a five bedroom villa and it came with a cook and butlers…these people no matter what time or how late just catered to us. Nothing was impossible with Marcos and Richard, our two guys and what a class act! Their English, perfecto. All meals were the best and to have breakfast just feet away from the shore, this was easy on the eyes and the mind! And of course the pool between us and the ocean was always clean and fresh. The sound of water was throughout the villa.

The spa! To visit this place is what heaven I am hoping will be like! The facials, the rubs and massages — these girls know their stuff and not an attitude in the place, and they all acted as if they loved seeing me and more important they loved what they did. And I liked seeing them, too…what is happening to me! John Travolta was here just a few weeks before we arrived and loves the spa…at least he and I agree on one thing! The service is soooo attentive you wonder if these people are reading your mind…before you ask they are there! If you are lucky enough to get here and meet with Richard or Marcos and let them work their magic for you, I promise a better holiday you cannot get anyplace in the world!

If you want to do something someday that is sooooo off the beaten course, you will be well advised to phone down to Akmed the manager at the Four Season Resort at 52 329 291 6000 and he and his staff will take good care of you. I think they have four staff people for every guest! And for rooms I don’t think they have a bad one on the 700 + acres, and what else is nice? You won’t find hundreds of people here, this is very nice and thank god not everyone knows about it! The prices are, um, “reasonable” also, in our case, about $16,000 dollars a day…and in saying that have I not always said, “The rich are different”?!

PS — Thanks to Marcos who made everything happen for me and also to Richard who was a different version of Marcos…I don’t know what I would have done without these two guys! The Four Seasons have two future managers here, I hope that they realize that!

I have found that many people going through a divorce will drop weight and even become sickly when going through this gauntlet of misery. Sometimes it is from depression. But often alcohol is the problem, and sometimes it was the problem that may have caused the disintegration of the marriage to begin with. Many years ago I had a client who we would drive home to her estate in Malibu, and every day we would stop for 3 or 4 bottles of Chardonnay. If we did not stop she would go on her own! It got to the point that from almost the California Incline to the Ventura County Line she had cleaned out the entire stretch to the point I would go in and the clerk would tell me “your friend cleaned us out.” Many women are driven to drink by the clowns that they marry, just that simple! It is either that or sit in a corner and babble.

If you are not careful, the stress, the alcohol, bad sleeping habits, and the lack of food will have you dropping weight faster than any fat farm or diet ever invented! That is one of the reasons that we will often move in with a client if the funds are there and prepare dinners, lunch and breakfast. We will also try and limit the alcohol, and of course there are the clients who will try and numb the pain with drugs, that is a whole other story! However even with all of this, getting them to eat is a good thing, and sitting down at a table and eating regularly is an incredible thing too, as people with addiction issues seldom sit and eat at a table with others. They stand, they walk, they eat in bed or they just pick.

When people are drinking it is a different high and a little different drop when they are coming down, just a little… but drugs! Oh my F’n forget about it! They will (in their mind) now think you are working with the soon to be Ex…or did you take the jewelry?! Another problem with “druggies,” they will surround themselves with all the WRONG F’n people! Yes, this is true of rich or working people, they will find the biggest misfits and have them around…often with a common interest…“Birds of a Feather Will Snort Together.”

If I have a choice of poison give me the alcoholic; the drug abusers are tough — very sneaky, cold and calculating and there is always a paranoid fear of a conspiracy, usually involving the very people who are trying hardest to help. Oh, and be careful no matter what you do it is going to be wrong, and that is because they are not thinking! They are slowly killing themselves and the routine is the same for people with money and people with none…same nasty hygiene, same nasty scabs and take it from a former embalmer, when a person of wealth dies foaming from the mouth and bloating, they look just like the street person who died from the same drug usage, drooling and bloated…it is the great equalizer! Now I am going to be very honest here, if we are getting paid enough I will put up with it — for awhile. Note: remember Linda Blair in her great movie The Exorcist? When she had that look of satisfaction on her demon face after her head spun around spewing green puke…that is the look I get to see from some of my clients, after they have just tried throwing us under a bus! One minute you are the father figure they never had, the next you are a car thief because you won’t let them drive. I had one tell a police detective that it was my fault that she did not go to court as I had hidden her mail! Thanks Ron!

So if you have a friend or relative going through divorce, and they are looking a little lighter and truly seem happy, good! However, if you see them and they are lighter and looking haggard, please pay attention and do the best you can, and if they continue to spiral out of control try and get them some kind of help before they’ve lost more than just weight.

The place was jumping, I mean people everywhere and in the mix were some heavy legal guns…there was Stacy Phillips of Phillips, Lerner, Lauzon & Jamra…and next up was Mark Vincent Kaplan of Kaplan & what’s his name, and one of my favorites. Lawrence Leone of Trope and Trope! Lawrence had one of his assistants with him and I am sure that Mark had one too, and Ms. Phillips was there looking very cool, great suit and even more amazing shoes! Mr. Kaplan as always looking very dapper, and Leone looking ready to blast anyone who dares to cross his path!

Judge Lewis gave them some special “cuttseys” so that they would be one of the first ones up, and then dropped his decision on their heads. It was all up for Ms. Phillips as she was being appointed minor’s counsel and this was a very High Dollar case…think of it, what these guys were billing for today would have run a soup kitchen for about 18 months! This had some child issues and the court was cleared; Kaplan stood for almost two hours making his point, Leone was up and down, and Ms. Phillips took notes and was ready at the draw and this morning she was on her game! Hey, and guess what — she has a great handshake! Say what you will this lady has a presence and knows it.

I am just hitting my stride here folks so bear with me! Some of the female lawyers were looking like their male counterparts — many of the male lawyers show up with shoes unshined, wrinkled suits, menus on their ties. However today…yes it was early and yes the lighting is the worst! But come on. Lori A. Howe, Lawyer, a partner at Trope and Trope, was sitting in front of me and the back of her hair looked as if a small herd of wildebeest had been chewing on it all night long! At times it looked like a cheap umbrella. There was another lawyer walking around the halls and her hem on her pant suit had torn and she was now dusting the halls of the court with her pant leg! And what is it with the brown hand bags and black shoes ladies?? Come on, you would be well-advised to pay attention to Lisa Helfend Meyer, one of the best dress lawyers in the country! And talking well-dressed, you have to give it to Ms. Allred when it comes to looking the part — these two don’t skip a beat! And these women take a great deal of care being sure they are coiffed…I think that Lisa Helfend Meyer may have someone doing a blow out in the back of her Town Car! And for Ms. “who chewed my hair,” can we suggest Jose Eber, one of my best friends — tell him I sent you! Also keep in mind he is a wonderful hair stylist…hmmm not so sure as to his magician skills, but my little darling it is all up from where you are at this point! One good thing is that it is hair and should grow out, perhaps a little getaway to Pacoima for a few weeks would give things a “fresh start.”

It has been brought to attention by a “legal Fashion Diva” that one must be very careful with one’s diet and fashion combos, as St. John’s Knits tend to show any and all bad diet flaws! You know — binging, or starving! Hey it is not easy being pretty! A Desperate bulletin: You know they show every bump, bulge and in some cases wrinkles…and I am not talking fabric here girlfriends!!

And why is it that when I show up, everyone is trying to figure out who I am present for and what I am up to?! The people in this group are all clients and I have to say they, too, know the game…whoever gets to me first, that is who I work for and never ever is there a question of loyalty. I work for many different firms and these are a few of the best there is!

Here are some real concerns for anyone — though this is more female-related (once in a great while we get a husband or a boyfriend whose wife or girlfriend is giving the goods away, but not too often! Women are not whores by nature and you all know my opinion of men…. they are!).

So OK, here we go, you talk to friends, relatives, and your cat, and they all tell you to go and see a “good” divorce lawyer! This lawyer tells you all that you are going to be able to get, and then tells you to talk to me! Mr. P.I. And I, too, upon your description tell you that “junior” needs to be kicked to the curb…and then it starts. You begin to tell me how great he used to be, and how “we are going to counseling.” Counseling is not going to work, so as you get off the freeway and that homeless person who is standing there, just give him or her all of the money you were going to spend on a counselor, it will do more good (counseling is good when your cat or dog dies….that was true love and a real loss!). MEN WHO CHEAT WILL NEVER STOP. Going to counseling will only tell one side or the other how they got caught and make it more difficult to catch the little scoundrel the next time!

Or this happens: you have had weeks to plan on catching him, but you call a day or two prior to him getting out of sex re-hab or drug re-hab or the trip he is coming back from and want me to pulls F’n rabbits out of my ass to see if we can catch him. Girlfriend, you don’t really want to catch him, plain and simple, because if you did, the fact is you, too, would have no life…what would you worry about? What would you talk about? What would your days be like not wondering what he is doing and with who…YOU CANNOT PULL THE PLUG!

I am not trying to beat anyone up here, but it is the same each time! Or you hire the lawyer, you hire the P.I. and we are all moving forward and billing our time. We have all of his assets tied up — art work, bank accounts — you have the cash and you have all of the property under your control and we have hidden the car or cars and the boat! And all of a sudden, he now knows you are serious and he tells you whatever it is that he thinks you need to hear, and like the poor and desperate creature you are, you call the whole thing off! Was it worth $20 or $30 thousand for the lawyers and $10 or $20 thousand for me? I have to say, I think that the answer is yes! Yes, because you have made him realize that you are serious and like that famous movie scene, with the crazy guy yelling out of the window, “I am not going to take it anymore!” BUT now you have set yourself up for a big problem: now he knows to make sure that if and when he decides to throw your ass off of the train, he does it right and does not leave himself open like he did when YOU filed, oh no — next time he will bury you…remember, possession is 99% of the law! You had all the marbles when you did what you did initially, and now when this goes to hell as it will, he will already know what you are capable of and girlfriend it won’t be pretty! He will beat you to the punch and what a punch it will be! I am not saying that we cannot come back and fight another day, of course you can…but had you him by the balls and you wimped out, and your hesitation is costing you.

My best advice: when you have had enough and decide to go forward…full speed ahead! Don’t stop, don’t look back, and remember what it was that got you moving in this direction to begin with! So if you can get the strength and do the all the right things, ladies pull the plug and go through with what you started….he is not worth it! However, you have to do it right and just like Pearl Harbor…bombs away!!! But PLAN and PLAN and PLAN….good planning will take you a long way when you get the strength to PULL THE PLUG!

Negotiating can be a real art form — bringing opposing parties together in a way that everyone feels they won something. But negotiating is not that tough when you know all the cards everyone is holding. I have learned also that negotiating and extortion are sometimes one and the same. Thanks to his “unorthodox methods,” Anthony Pellicano was very good at knowing what offer to make…and how to approach someone who had just talked dirty to an underage juvenile. Anthony had the ability to work for both sides at the same time and get paid by both sides! Now how cool is that? Morticians figured that out too, years ago. Did you know that often the mortuaries in this country owned the ambulance service as well as the funeral parlours? Hmm…slight conflict of interest?! And then they got even better, they bought the cemeteries too. So along comes the ultimate Goombah, Mr. Omerta, and he too had the market cornered! He could convince one side and the other that they were in trouble, and that he could take care of it. If it did not go as he planned, he would orchestrate some turmoil and rumor. There are tapes out there, and there he is working the tabloids too!

And then this: when Anita Busch was targeted, some big nitwit said, “Get Pellicano!” LMAO! That’s right…bring Pellicano in to investigate himself! Can you imagine those fools looking back at that now? Why not get Nazarian, I was already there! But I was not a “contributor,” you know, how Anthony could drop little gems of insider secrets from his treasure trove to ingratiate himself. “He never left the office” it was mentioned during the trial….why should he, he had the world right at his ear! And with the help of “his” lawyers he worked these rich folks like a bunch of $3 hookers — I am not saying that there is anything wrong with a $3 hooker, as long as you got some good ampicillin or the like! But Anthony took them to the bank and to the cleaners, and in the end some of their secrets were made public. All that money and what did they get? Well, the really rich ones got satisfaction and maybe even a pound of flesh. Yes, the rich and powerful want their flesh, after all they are rich and they like being treated special! And some were even treated special during the government’s investigation.

Many of the people who got worked over by Anthony still don’t realize fully what he did. Hell, I sat in that courtroom for weeks and I know we didn’t hear it all, and we know the government didn’t find out everything. It does make you think twice about what you talk about. I had a meeting just today with someone who asked if anyone could still do the “phone olympics,” I told him that the only guy that I knew was the Pelican and he is “booked” for the next 10 plus years! Can you imagine someone asking a question like that….not tough for me, I just went into my old fashion gumshoe routine. That is how I do it and maybe when I am going real nuts I will grab the garbage! That other stuff? Hmmm, who will be the next one and who will buy?

Who will be the next “Negotiator”? No one around at this time! Why you ask? It will be a little tougher to work it as when someone tells the feds, “I think I am being wiretapped!”, I think that they may take it a little more seriously. The technology is also changing rapidly…less home phones (hard lines), more cellular and along with that will come new technology and who knows what will happen.

I do have to give Pellicano a nod, he was the best there was for what will seem like a short time as he sits and waits, and waits. All during the trial, Anthony had the calm look of someone who knew something the rest of us didn’t. Maybe he still does! But for the Negotiator who’s used to knowing all the cards and beating the house, it looks like he’s finally holding a losing hand.

For those of us who call Beverly Hills our home or place of work there is a bright spot: the Waldorf Astoria is going to be built and that will provide the kind of ambiance and service many have come to enjoy from true Five Star hotels… something you will never get at “Da Monster.”

Webster defines Montage as “an artistic composition of several different elements.” Hmmm, could it also be defined as “a group of disorganized orangutans?”

OK, I guess you can tell already I am not happy! I and my son were invited to “Da Monster” for a weekend of sun and fun and wonderful ocean views and all the rest that goes with that. My client, who let’s just say is very wealthy, has always enjoyed “Da Monster,” to the point of spending weeks at this disaster by the sea. BUT! He is very wealthy and that is when the “Da Monster” turns into the Montage! Now you would think that when one of your best and maybe biggest customers books 60 plus rooms for his friends and family that this group of morons would get it right! Right? Wrong! That would happen at the Ritz and Waldorf or several other great locations who know how to do it right. LMAO….not this shipwreck location!

I arrived at this well lit moth trap and was shown to what could be the worst room in the place, it was like a tomb. It had four walls and a big sliding door that overlooked someone else’s room! Here I am am at the”shore” and the only breeze I am getting is from my nostrils! My son looks at me and says, “this room sucks!” Having traveled all over the world with me, he too knows a good hotel and what a 5 Star hotel room should look like. I go down to the desk and speak with some fool with an earpiece and I tell him what I think, as many of you know that can be entertaining, Bozo Boy has an earpiece and appears to be getting instruction from one of the head monkeys. Well he does what every imbecile I have encountered at second rate hotels does with ear pieces and tells me that he cannot help me but perhaps “the night manager” can help. Out of the shadows comes Nicole, attractive, blond and well-trained to handle people like me, as I am sure this happens often. Unless you are one of the rich folk! She too listens and is wanting to be helpful but what she does not understand this high dollar dump by the sea has already pissed me off! During the course of my conversation with “night manager lady” I tell her that I would bet that I have the worst room in the hotel! She tells me, “that is very likely true!”…un-F’n believable! I thought I was getting “punked,” you know, crazy shit happens to you and one of my crazy whacko friends comes out of the back office laughing! Not this time, this is as good as it gets in getting told how insignificant I am at this disaster by the sea!

I and my son were offered to partake of one of the restaurants at “Da Monster” and they too were a little slow on the up swing! Chris and I walked in and I asked for a table for two on the patio…again to try and partake of some of the ambiance of this joint…that damn ocean that I cannot even get to smell never mind see. Well we had no less than four people at the desk trying to see where they would put us, an hour from closing time. With all this staff it would be better to get rid of half and hire two with brains. We left this dungeon of aggravation and went into town and had a pizza, BJ’s is a great place to eat if ever you come to Laguna and stay at one of the many wonderful places along the coast that are NOT THE MONTAGE…

It just kept going downhill. Finally we just tried to get some sleep, but due to no breeze, little air, and the air conditioning not working on the hottest day of the year, I woke up sweating and had a terrible headache, and my son too was not feeling well…having checked in at 9PM, we checked out at 5 AM to end the nightmare. Not even for free was it worth staying at this dump! Seriously do yourselves a favor and stay at some of the smaller resorts, they are wonderful and soooo accommodating. The service is better, the view is the same and you get to have access to the very same beach as the victims of “Da Monster!”

The place was jumping, the guards were milling around and the players were all there.  Lally and Saunders were very quiet, almost like a couple of big dogs who had just treed the neighbor’s cat and were getting ready to take a snooze under the tree and wait…and wait they did! All the games had been played and the Jury had done their job, and at 12:15 PM Judge Fischer began to read Pellicano’s charges, all 77 of them…on 76 of them he was found guilty!  And worst of all was the RICO act…talk about some bad fish! Pellicano just sat there, at one time tried to smile but remained very stoic, almost like he could not move.  He looked around the courtroom and was almost comatose. It took almost 1/2 an hour for the judge to

read his charges and it was very slow and almost “wah wah.”  It was all melding together for me.  His wife Kat sat and listened and was also very stoic and looked straight ahead.  Could it be 6-7 years and maybe 20 more for RICO?  The Pelican is so done, but he still has not said a word and appeared to find all of this entertaining.  What does he feel about Omerta,  I guess it worked for him!

Note:  I was told that he blew through almost all of this money and never saved any money for his one child, who is not well. What about the oath to provide for your family?

Next in line was my “buddy” the Sarge, Mark Arneson.  It was the worst scenario for a cop, Guilty of RICO and 44 other charges,  that could be…20 plus years in prison! It will have to be in “protective custody” or he won’t have a prayer. Yup, it will be double the hell in prison, a dirty cop and all the rest won’t be good for him!  His wife looked as if the jury had just smacked her…it was sad, but what did she think?  The jury saw and heard what we had and it was “Guilty” all the way…Da Sarge did it all and got caught.  “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time!”  The other problem for the Sarge is that this judge is going to make an example of this dirty copper who saw “nothing wrong” with what he did, hell everyone does it…NOT!

Ray Turner got the smack down too, RICO and GUILTY of 14 of the 18 charges against him…he too seemed pretty much resigned to the fact that this was not going to be a good day, Happy Ray was looking a little sad!

One of the more amusing verdicts was for Lil’ Abner Nicherie.  LMAO, after watching him for weeks taking his nice long naps and coming in late he was wide awake today, yes he was, as the judge said….GUILTY, you nitwit!  No, she did not say “nitwit,” that was me!  He put his face in his hands and just looked like he got smacked with a dead Pelican!  This grifter already is a convicted felon, and now this?  He is so F%@#ed.  This judge is going to lay chubby away…you watch when she sticks him with the full sentencing guidelines…but for that we have to wait until September.

Here is my prediction: based on what we witnessed today, Terry N. Christensen (the only lawyer to get caught in the Pelican net) better make a deal!  He does not want to go forward with a trial based on the evidence against him.  He is right there talking with the Pelican and he is in as deep as he can get!  He is rich and will be rich when he gets out of prison, people are also saying that Kerkorian will take care of him…..Hmmm!

Lots of reporters waiting for the verdicts and the jurors outside.  I was asked what it was like in the courtroom, all I could think of was what a turkey farm must look like during Thanksgiving…it was a slaughter!   Feathers everywere — not turkey feathers but Pelican feathers!

Well, I thought what about all the lawyers whose cases I sabotaged through the years, and just in general being a pain in some of their backsides, professionally speaking! You know what, no one cared, one guy at one of the earlier meetings did say that he knew who I was and was looking at me somewhat sternly, but by the end he was warming up to me. No surprise, as I have always said I am a nice guy, most of the time…some have even said that I was charming! Then again, back in those days they would have said almost anything to get those handcuffs off!

This is a wonderful opportunity for me as it does give me a chance to flesh out my thoughts and to share some ideas with family law lawyers, who appear anxious and very interested in what I am saying. If only my youngest son would be that attentive when I’m speaking! The feedback is also very insightful as to the legal mind. Some asked me questions as to what about this section of law, and this legal decision…if I had to give that much thought to what I did, I would never get out of my pool! I just always try and stay within the guidelines of the law, and I have to say that in 16 plus years I have managed to keep myself and my clients out of jail! A lawyer is supposed to think like a lawyer and not like a P.I….we both have our jobs to do.

This again has been a great opportunity given to me by Paul and his firm, White, Zuckerman, Warsavsky, Luna,Wolf, Hunt LLP, and I will always be grateful to them.