“Liar Liar Big Fat Liar” — this is very often the tone and rhythm that many “difficult” divorces take, it is truly a “liars club” and if you are victim of a great liar you are in big trouble. It can take on all kinds of lunatic behavior: falling down and blaming the soon-to-be Ex, cops come and hall his ass away. It had to be him right? Wrong, it was a set up, a little pay back for coming home late. Drop a .38 or .45 in the handbag of the soon to be ex-wifee and watch her get detained at the airport, damn x-ray machine! All I am saying, I have seen and watched this stuff for almost 20 years. And don’t even get me started on the “spaghetti escapades.”

A case at hand is one featured in this Los Angeles Times two-parter investigated and written by Christopher Goffard, a sad story and yet with incredible luck. The condensed version of the events are terrible in even short form. Child custody, the fertile fields of all the molestation allegations and drug usage and all the other horrible things one side can conjure up against the other. Keeping in mind these people up until this time were lovers and partners and in some cases even married. Now they are mortal combatants in the land of hate and divorce. It will be the ultimate decision of the judge who has to figure out who is the biggest “Liar.”

Sexual molestation of the kids, your kids, neighbor’s kids, the kids at church, kids at camp even the family pets are not safe in the world of a vicious DIVORCE…the judges that I know and talk to find it not entertaining and a terrible waste of the courts time and resources as these accusations have to be investigated and most of the time they are false, my experience. BUT, look at one side or the other did to the other, a mess and an awful experience to go through and even being innocent can still leave a cloud over your entire life for years to come.

Goffard’s story is about a man named Louis Gonzalez III and his former girlfriend Tracy West and a little boy they shared together and a custody issue in Ventura County, California. Well one day Tracy West calls the cops and tells of being tied up, sexually assaulted, beaten, and suffocated and the person she said that did this? Louis Gonzalez III. Lucky for Gonzalez, the police detective David Del Marto began to realize something. That something was that the facts as given to him by Ms. West did not make any sense. Det. Del Marto went to great lengths to see what if any of this was possible and the more he looked and reviewed video at the airport, bank and bagel shop none of it made any sense. Gonzales could not have done all of this in the time span that it took place. Worst of all was that Louis Gonzalez was sitting in jail and it was appearing he was getting framed (my words).

It would come to pass that the accusations did not make any sense at all and Louis Gonzalez would be released and get his entire record cleared. By court order he would be found by the same judge that would have presided over his trial, Judge Patricia Murphy issued an order declaring Louis Gonzalez “factually innocent.” This was a wonderful and life changing event seeing what the charges could have done to his future, not easy being arrested for such a serious crime.

Mr. Gonzalez had two big things in his favor: a police detective who went with his gut and training, and a judge that also saw through the entire attempt to “frame” an innocent man. Det. Del Marto found the truth, good job Detective Del Marto, you served justice on this one. Too bad you did not have a set of cuffs for Ms. West.

Fans, I only wish this was a fluke in the world of divorce & child custody. What I am about to say is that it is this investigator’s opinion that this behavior is more common than you would care to imagine. Certainly this is an extreme example — does this often happen to this degree of criminal behavior? Not quite but it still can be bad. All I am saying is that when it comes to divorce, evil and vengeance are alive and well. As I have said many times, for Nazarian and Associates it is about winning, that is what we are paid to do. However, if asked to frame someone we would walk and did just that recently on an assignment, third time in 20 years.

Anyone who finds themselves in such a tough position has only a few hopes and a very short “Hail Mary.” That being cops doing good police work and a judge that can see what is going on and hear the truth. The truth in divorce cases and even criminal cases is not always found and the results can be devastating. I cannot tell you the number of times over the years that I had to politely mention to a uniformed law enforcement officer or a detective that what they were investigating stems from the book of dirty tricks aka DIVORCE. And once they realize that they are being played by one side or the other it is an awakening…and if I were not there to mention these facts? A whole different chain of events could change someone’s life just like what almost happened to Louis Gonzalez. We wish Mr. Gonzales all the best in the years ahead with his son and for Ms. West? SHAME ON YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID, SHAME.

©John J. Nazarian, Private Investigator and Security Consultant
July 1, 2011
All Rights Reserved, do not reproduce in whole or in part without the express written consent of the author.

Go to Central Casting and tell them, “I need someone who looks like a judge, and he needs to look elderly.” Guess what? the guy you are looking for is in Dept. 43 down at the “Stanley.” Over the last few weeks I have heard different opinions on the “new” judge that took Judge Rafael Ongkeko’s place. Being perfectly honest here folks, Judge Ongkeko was not the most popular judge among the city’s divorce lawyers. Many — not all — would pass on having Ongkeko hear a case. Judge Ongkeko had a personality that was a little tough to understand, I have had that very same problem over the years. Should I say that maybe criminal courts in Van Nuys might be more fertile ground for his style and warm personality…just a suggestion (this was the judge that Mel Gibson’s legal team got booted from his case. Under California law, lawyers have 10 days from the filing date to apply for a different judge).

Back to Judge Robert E. Willett, a former litigator for over thirty years with the firm of O’Melveney. Pretty much right out of Berkeley’s Boalt Hall School of Law (1974) he went to work with O’Melveney and remained there up until his appointment by former Governor Schwarzenegger in 2010 to the Superior Court bench. Now I am just guessing that this had to be a BIG pay cut for Judge Willett. For any lawyer to become a judge it is almost a crowning point, the icing on the cake and again, Judge Willett was not making minimum wage as a 30 year litigatior with a firm like O’Melveney (sounds like a good name for a cookie). So let’s not do any fund-raising for the good judge, now some judges who had other positions and not with big firms or founding partners, them maybe.

I spoke to several lawyers prior to visiting Dept. 43 and having a seat. Some that I spoke to had a wait-and-see attitude except for Patrick DeCarolis of Trope and Decarolis. Patrick told me that he got a sense of “quiet power“ and furthermore to make his point even more clearly, “I like him.” Well I sat in the front row as I often do and watched and listened as a group of four lawyers attempted to practice law. I immediately saw what Mr. DeCarolis had mentioned, “quiet power,” Judge Willett is not going to wring his hands and I don’t see him sitting on his hands and rocking either, he has been around and in far more difficult positions as a litigator than he will be in the position he holds now. My point is that I think we have a new judge who once he gets his footing is going to be one of our favorites at DesperateExes.com.

Sure he has that smile and glint in his eye, more likely he has that even when he is pissed, you know what I mean? And it is going to be the job of any lawyer in front of Judge Willett to figure out — is he smiling because I am doing a good job or is he thinking, “moron”! To me that is the best part of Judge Robert E. Willett.

Welcome Judge Willett to the “Stanley” from all of us at DesperateExes.com

©John J. Nazarian, Private Investigator and Security Consultant
June 24, 2011
All Rights Reserved, do not reproduce in whole or in part without the express written consent of the author.

This morning at the Stanley Mosk was a little like Little Big Horn, as in “The battle of.” On one side you have Ron Rale, lawyer and Lori Howe, lawyer…and on the other side, Mark Gross, lawyer and Marie A. LaMolinara, lawyer from the biggest divorce firm in the Valley, Brot & Gross. These guys are heavy hitters and will flex their legal ability as we were all hoping to see this morning in department 82. Ms. Howe wanted the court cleared for obvious reasons, it was a media storm, all anxiously waiting to find out why Brooke aka “mommy” was in an Inglewood pawn shop, and why “mommy” did not want to take a test either? Where and Why?

Well, let me tell you this, looking at Ms. Howe sitting with Ron Rale outside the courtroom, Howe is looking like the captain of the Titanic looking for a pair of ice tongs. Ms. Howe looked very concerned as she sat at the far end of the hallway away from the hub bub of noise and commotion. Ron Rale is present, for sure, to try and fix a real mess. You can be assured that when Ron Rale shows up something needs to be adjusted or FIXED. And to get this case back on track after Ms. Mueller’s derailment last week. “I dont wanna test.” Remember you heard it here first when I stated that whoever was “handling” Brooke Mueller should be fired. A qualified person would never have let her go roaming around on her own, or at least would have questioned her judgment.

This is a tough economy for sure, it is tough to make it on 50 grand a month, and if you can’t? Do what everyone else does, go to a pawn shop and get rid of few items. Hello!!!! pawn shops have videos going 24 hours a day, like a bank, almost. So who is watching Ms. Mueller as she charges forward like a bull in a china shop? For sure not us! Well there on National TV is Ms. Mueller cutting a deal or shopping at the pawn shop in Inglewood, or at least it would appear that way…$50,000 a month, where does that fit into taking care of two kids? Refusing to test? Where does that fit in raising two kids? There are some very nice pawn shops closer to her home.

Well, today we have Mark Gross and he is in full attack mode, he knows he has Mueller right where he wants her. Gross is like a handmade, finally tuned revolver, when he fires off his mouth you know it is going to be a little painful. This is also why I believe that Ron Rale was brought in, another tough cookie. Ms. Howe is the firm’s expert on child custody (not over Mr. Trope however), and I would guess that she will have her hands full in trying to pull her client out of a very deep ditch. Mueller was not doing well this morning in court as she walked in. Sure, she had her cheering squad but she needed something else, maybe some sound sleep? She was real rough around the edges, jagged edges. Judge Hank Goldberg threw everyone out of his court “for the sake of the children,” so says he. LMAO, it is for the sake of Brooke Mueller so as to keep her lifestyle from leaking further into the public media. It is too bad actually for all of us that I could not hear the defense of Mueller, what defense, another “mommy” who does not get it. Life is tough for Ms. Mueller and the court will try to keep it all quiet and private. Here is my thought, doing all of this for Ms. Mueller? A little like bringing a lighter to a forest fire.

Charlie showed up looking great, fresh and rested. He too had a cheering section, and both sides’ cheering sections ended up in the hallway. In the end the judge left everything the “same.” One has to wonder what goes through a bench officers mind to leave it all the “same.” Now we dont know what other stipulations are in place, more monitoring, more testing (if she will participate), and more likely more Ron Rale! It was very obvious to all present that it was Rale’s job to try and fix this mess.

Mr. Gross knew he had Mueller’s legal team right where he wanted them, and knowing Mr. Gross he will be circling from above like an eagle watching and waiting for his “bunny” to go hip hopping back to Inglewood! Or…another fascinating location someplace in La La land, give her time and of course enough rope.

When Brooke left the courthouse she went in the opposite direction of her car and driver and the media just did the media crush. So sad, it must have been her driver’s first time at the Stanley. Sad, but again funny, who is handling her? Brooke next time send your mother out to find the car and when she finds it she can wave at you in hopes of you seeing your car and your driver. Not Charlie, he rolled out of the courthouse smooth and uninterrupted, like he was “winning.”

Mark Gross, Lawyer, Brot & Gross, LLP 15260 Ventura Boulevard, Suite 1500, Sherman Oaks, CA 91403 818-594-0800

Lori Howe, Lawyer and Ron Rale, Lawyer, Partner at Trope & Trope, 12121 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 801, Los Angeles, CA 90025

We love getting “letters” here at DesperateExes.com, and this one was right on the money:

Dear John,

I recently became of a fan of Desperate Ex’s after reading “730 Evaluation”: a joke with no laughs, which inspired me to read more of your opinions and comments. Two months ago, my 9-month long “forensic” custody evaluation was finally produced. Besides the fact that this report lacks any evidence of forensic investigation, it is one horriffic mess. The custody evaluator recommended that parties hire a parenting coordinator, or “special master”, and of course the person he recommended is none other than his good buddy. My point is that the raping of litigants goes beyond the custody evaluation.

The Court rejected its’ appointed 730 evaluator’s opinions, but yet the Court is pressuring parties to stipulate to the special master recommended by the 730 evaluator.

This email is not intended to detail the corruption occuring here in Orange County, California, but rather to raise awareness of the many different levels of “forensic experts” who can and will become involved in a custody case when litigants have enough money.

I would love to hear your comments about special masters/parenting coordinators.

Name withheld

Well we are all just sitting here waiting for the guilty verdicts on the Anna Nicole Smith trial to come in, and are curious as to what is taking so long? It is now day five of deliberations and nothing from the “Peers”…not sure if it is going to be good or bad…either way, it appears that the jury is taking their time and crossing the T’s and dotting the I’s. And Judge Fidler is not Judge Perry…big difference.

So, a little light humor here while we wait. And while chuckling, pay attention and you will learn something about the way of this world we call “Divorce.”

Folks, here is a little update on the story we did on Mr. Douglas A. Bagby on June 15th of 2010 titled, “The Ted Baxter of the Courtroom”…well, time does change things and in this case it went from awful to just terrible, I mean bad, real bad, like all four of my tires are flat bad, miserably painfully on a scale from 1-10….TEN+ !!! Now keep in mind clients will often turn on their lawyers, this is not unusual. What is “fun” here is that I was fortunate to be there when the “worm began to turn.” I am sure Bagby wished I was off getting a nice massage on June 15th, 2010…but I was not and was sitting and listening.

As luck would have it, Ms. Lauren Stills on September 17, 2010 signed a declaration under the penalty of perjury all of the following. I am going to take snippets of her declaration, the parts that I found “moving” and I am sure that her lawyer Mr. Bagby, too, found his “bowels” wanting to move. Ms. Lauren Stills was the woman whom I stated, “she looked like a horse that had been ridden hard and put away wet!” Well, when you go through her declaration and read what she has to say about her lawyer, Mr. Douglas A. Bagby…I was right: as many women sitting under that saddle have gone through, she had been ridden, real hard.

Here are some highlights:

From Paragraph 3, First Page, of what Lauren Stills’ declaration:

“Mr. Bagby’s seeking to withdraw under the circumstances of my case is, in my view, unconscionable. It should not be granted. Indeed, he seeks to withdraw after depleting a substantial family asset base, the size and limits of which were known by him, as he advised me from the outset and on the eve of my hiring him to sell our family residence to raise funds for legal fees, which only now seems like self-serving advice which helped his practice weather the economic downturn while there appeared an evident client shortage.”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: WOW…I HOPE THERE WAS A BLANKET AND SOME HAY WHEN SHE GOT TO THE BARN.

Paragraph 4, towards the bottom:

“ Quite frankly, I trusted Mr. Bagby, and expected from the outset to the present (minus two months) that he would be faithful in bringing closure to both financial and custody matters given the ample resources he had at his disposal.”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: WOW, Yup, “He had,” that is past tense!

Paragraph 4, bottom:

“It made no sense to spend as if there was a bottomless pit of financial resources, which he knew there were not. Could it be true that Mr. Bagby figured he would just work until the money ran out and then withdraw? Sadly, I now believe this to be so.”

DESPERATEEXES.COM ASKS: Lauren did you ever discuss with Ted Baxter, excuse me, Mr. Douglas A. Bagby your concerns that he was spending too much of your money? If you did not question this then it is sad, for you. This is not unusual at all, and again how many women out there in Divorce Land can relate?

Lauren did you ever mention how nice his suits looked on him? My tailored suits have my name and the date they were made for me…just a thought.

Paragraph 5, first line:

“Over approximately four years of representing me, Mr. Bagby has completed no or virtually no discovery on the most critical financial issue of the entire case–namely, valuation of PIP–and has left the forensic accountant with a balance of over $ 16,000.00 and a payment promise long overdue”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: WOW X 3. Often we as private investigators will assist clients with issues like this and try and “ride herd” over the case…it is almost sounding like there was a stampede of Ben Franklins aka “The Running of the Bills.”

Paragraph 5, line 29:

“The bottom line is that Mr. Bagby has incurred ample fees to ensure payment for himself–to the tune of approximately $1 million in fees to his office over almost four years…”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: Oh that is one hell of a tune, Peggy Lee had a hit recording titled, “Hey Big Spender,“ that too was a recording with a real snappy beat. Lauren, did you ever notice how nice Mr. Douglas A. Bagby’s suits looked? I noticed that he was rather well dressed…not as nice as Sorrell Trope, Lisa H. Meyer or Susan E. Weisner, but nice.

Paragraph 6, line 20, Lauren Stills declares:

“what is going to happen when the money runs out?…Had I been provided just one ounce of an honest answer months and hundreds of thousands of dollars ago, I would have made different choices…” “letting the attorney ‘run the show’…”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: Lauren, you should have paid more attention to the bottom line and had a plan in writing, and always you should have had a bacup plan. “letting the attorney ‘run the show‘’…hmmm not sure I would ever suggest this is the plan to take, without very close monitoring…did you ever ask “why this” or “why that” and how about this, did you ever question the bill and just once say “NO, I am not paying this?”

Folks, read all of this declaration at your leisure as it is a real learning experience for women and sometimes men to realize what you are getting into in the world of Divorce. Is what Lauren Stills experienced so rare? I say no. I have seen dozens and dozens of these situations in the past 19 years. As to Mr. Douglas A. Bagby, I stand by my comments of June 15th, 2010. I am sure I will get the usual comments from Ted and all that goes with that, and if he wants to post a comment we will post one.

As to his “never using my office or services”…good, I am still shopping at Gelsons and loving it. I will never lose sleep over not providing services to Mr. Bagby, personally I am too old to care…and on the other hand, with stuff like this, I could not invent it!

****************************************************************************************************

Now in all fairness as I can see the e-mails and letters coming (at least I hope), as I am making it clear now, ANY E-MAILS OR LETTERS FROM MR. DOUGLAS A. BAGBY WILL BE POSTED FOR ALL TO READ ON DESPERATEEXES.COM. This is not to pick on Mr. Douglas A. Bagby, it is however, a lesson for all of our readers that when you are unhappy, DONT SPEND ALMOST ONE MILLION DOLLARS before you speak up! Also I have said hundreds of times that the lawyer – client relationship is great when the money is flowing…and when it stops, BAM! I know of a few lawyers who take retainers knowing already they will not be there at the end…but as Ms. Lauren Stills so well stated, it takes money to keep a practice running. And some lawyers are flying cargo month to month to try and make ends meet…this is not the case of Mr. Douglas A. Bagby, he lasted it would appear almost 4 years.

Mr. Douglas A. Bagby’s declaration as of September 22nd, 2010 highlights forthwith:

Paragraph 2, line 10, Mr. Bagby states:

“I do not intend to provide any response to the many false statements made by Respondent in her declaration unless this court orders me to do so…I do not believe the personal attacks made by the respondent against me do anything other than support my request to withdraw as her attorney in this matter…”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: LMAO! I can close my eyes and hear Mr. Douglas A. Bagby stating his position, standing of course. I agree with Mr. Bagby, it would appear to all who read this that Ms. Stills is not happy, to the tune of about a million times! My question is did she send her complaints to the State Bar of California?

Paragraph 2, line 17, Mr. Bagby states:

“August 4, 2010, I sent Respondent a lengthy confidential email explaining why I could not possibly continue as her attorney of record in the pending action…Financial considerations were not the compelling reason”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: LMAO SOME MORE! Brevity is not one of Mr. Bagby’s strong cards. And where in the list of considerations was “Financial.” (someday I hope I can make one million on one case…)

Paragraph 3, line 20, Mr. Bagby states:

“I have invested extraordinary efforts on behalf of Respondent over the past 4 years.”

DESPERATEEXES.COM STATES: SOMEONE HELP ME I AM ON THE FLOOR….OMG!!!!!!! And what did Lauren Stills invest in you Mr. Bagby?

Paragraph 3, line 22, Mr. Bagby states:

“My office has over 7,000 email communications with Respondent since February of 2008 on virtually every issue, including many on evenings, weekends, and vacations, and probably in excess of 10,000 since I was retained by respondent”

Feel free to read all of Mr. Bagby’s responses to his client’s accusations and again, Mr. Douglas A. Bagby is not the only lawyer who bails on a client. I have done it and again I have seen other lawyers do this also. What makes this interesting is the feel I got the first day that I saw Bagby and Ms. Stills in courtroom…I was “dialed in” and I read it right as if I had a menu in front of me.

To all my readers, remember to ask questions and don’t write big checks, write small ones and keep track. And also remember to have someone on your side if you are too timid to ask the ultimate question: “WHAT THE F*%# ARE YOU DOING?“ I have found that lawyers are good at lawyering and all that goes with that, however, a divorce can be like a very big ship and every ship needs a captain to make big decisions. And over the years Nazarian and Associates has in fact been “the captain” and gave our clients a voice in the direction of their divorce, and in doing so avoided stormy weather and bad seas.

Forget Rome and the Coliseum, to hell with gladiators’ swords at the ready, all you had to do was be sitting in Judge Hank M. Goldberg’s Department 82 for a battle of two legal titans. We have Neal Hersh of Hersh, Mannis and Bogen representing Melissa Etheridge and her millions against Stephen Knowles of Knowles and Collum and Melissa’s ex-love Tammy Lynn Michaels. Both of these legal beagles have offices steps away from one another in Beverly Hills.

Well the comments and oratory got so heated that Neal Hersh references some of Stephen Knowles work as “slobbing and sloppy,” Knowles looks at him as if to say “you said what?” and one point warns Mr. Hersh, “Mr. Hersh does not want to get into that” in Neal’s attempts to get this back to Judge Pellman’s court. The voices were loud and I had never seen either of these two lawyers in such a jaw lock. Hersh at one point looks at Mr. Knowles and in a stern tone asks, “are you done?” and Knowles looks back adjusting his glasses and states just as sternly, “ Yes, I am done.“ Much of this stems from the fact that Stephen Knowles bagged Etheridge in New York while she was at her hotel waiting for her former love of her life, Mrs. Tammy Etheridge to bring the kids to visit. Well Tammy Etheridge aka Tammy Lynn Michaels called in sick to Mr. Etheridge or Mrs….you get it. And then someone delivered room service LMAO but it was not a snack but DIVORCE notice! Well that was all it took for these two lawyers to realize there will be no playing nice. It was a great set up and Melissa got served!

Mr. Hersh wants this case in Judge Pellman’s courtroom and Stephen Knowles position is too bad, I bagged your client first and you have not even served my client with anything! Well Judge Goldberg would step off the bench and appear to be confused as to what to do. He would come back and if he could have would have “placed his hands under his butt and rocked”…his “honor” did not really know what to do or was so baffled that he was going to send it to the “PJ” for review…or something around those lines. Too bad it was not in front of Judge Gordon or Lewis, control would have been taken and a decision made right then and there.

Reflecting on Rome and Caesar, here is another thought. Neal Hersh and Stephen Knowles are gladiators, sandals and little short togas to match. Judge Goldberg is Caesar, not one of the strong Caesars, but Caesar. The two gladiators are battling and in the end, they don’t get thumbs up or thumbs down, Caesar finds he lacks any thumbs!

Knowles went on to say that Tammy is broke and often her credit cards don’t work, Neal was quick to remind all that Melissa pays all the bills, rent , lights and water, everything and gives Tammy two grand a month plus pays for the car lease too. Knowles shoots back that she makes “60 to 70″ thousand a day and that her kids are “destitute” and that Tammy’s credit card is often declined. For many in the court that did not seem to be “destitute” and after nine years together playing house. So now my question is do you still really want to have all the rights of “straight” people? Along with the right to marriage, welcome to the world of DIVORCE and family law…write a song about that! The Neal Hershes and Stephen Knowles of the world will be happy to sing backup.

My day in court was bookended by time spent with my pal, Jeff Sklan. He is so irreverent and quick-witted that you can’t help but laugh with him, even if it is at your own expense. Jeff finds himself very entertaining and at times charming all you have to do is ask him! We met up in the Grand Street security line, which seemed to stretch all the way to the LA cathedral. “John, did you pick up a tape worm or find an amazing tailor in Rome?” was Jeff’s response upon seeing me as he had not seen me prior to my departure for Europe.

The truth is, I had lost eleven pounds on my trip to Europe recently. The food was unhealthy (and I know unhealthy), expensive and not that good, I explained. We parted ways, Jeff to his appointed rounds, and me to mine. At 2:30 or so, we met up in Judge Borenstein’s court, where a friend of his was arguing against a minor child traveling to Nicaragua to meet his new step-mother. It was an interesting hearing. The Court finally decided to allow the trip with a surety bond and strict penalties for enforcement, acts of God excepted. “What about coups d’etat ” Jeff muttered. I too wondered what about when some disgruntled General and a handful of degenerates decide to take over the airport? We both laughed so hard that the bailiff shot us the stink eye and for a moment, it was like grammar school.

I asked him sotto voce about what he had seen that morning. His reply, “Nothing that a condom couldn’t have prevented.” Also there was a little “judge gathering” for a new judge, Jeff wondered out loud if he/she would be able to read?

Someone asked me about my trip. Jeff chimed in and said , “The food really must have been bad. Nazarian lost 11 pounds when someone else was paying for his meals…” Funny. And true. So much for the Eternal City. I prefer the City of Angels.

“Till death do us part.” Judge Amy Pellman made sure that it will be just that for Dennis Hopper and his estranged wife, Victoria Duffy Hopper. Dennis Hopper recently received his star on the Walk of Fame. Note: Unknown to most, but it is the star or someone close to them that pays for his wonderful honor. My point in mentioning it was in part that my observation was that Dennis looked just terrible.

Now he gets to pay his former wife $8,000 a month in spousal support and $4,000 in child support. And to add even more misery to this man’s final days on the planet, Victoria gets to stay on the on the estate and live with their little girl. Well, that should make visitation easy!

Judge Pellman asked that the couple make life nice for the little girl so when Dennis passes on to that big reunion in the sky, the loss will not be so tough on their daughter. This is also called working together to try and make nice for the sake of their little girl. Comments like these are vintage Pellman, her thoughts and concerns are always, I repeat always in the best interest of the children.

Judge Pellman also hit the nail on the head when she said, “It is never one-sided,“ and the judge’s comments on the fighting were also pointed, “There needs to be street cleaning on both sides of the street.” Under other circumstances this could also be brought into perspective as “it takes two to tango.” What is sad is that at one time they made a great-looking couple.

Dennis Hopper is represented by one of the best divorce lawyers in the country, Joe Mannis, Esq. Joe is a partner with Hersh, Mannis and Bogen located in Beverly Hills. Mr. Mannis made it very clear to Judge Pellman that Mr. Hopper was “desperately ill.“ It does not get much more accurate than that…

Sorrell Trope, of Trope & Trope is the divorce attorney representing Victoria Duffy Hopper, another huge player in the world of divorce…Two very tough lawyers in what has developed into a life and death struggle of a man who is terminally ill and the former love of his life who are at war, aka “DIVORCE.”

We at DesperateExes.com wish Dennis and Victoria “Hope“ that they can put aside the anger and reflect on the days when the two loved and cared for each other.

Batter up! Well that is what it seemed when I saw two of my friends in court, Peter Lauzon, Esq. and none other than Neil Hersh, Esq. Peter is representing Jason Kendall and Neil is representing Chantel Kendall, and it is nothing less than “you’re out!” Jason Kendall is a ball player with the Kansas City Royals. Peter was nice enough to introduce me, and Mr. Kendall seems like a real nice guy. It was a 5-6 year marriage and I have no idea what went wrong, but certainly it seemed like it was 5+ very long innings. And I would not hold my breath waiting for any “overtime,” this game is “rained out,” for good.

I spoke to Chantel briefly and she too seems very nice, great-looking gal, tall and slender and she was carrying a great handbag. She was also very well-spoken and, just as Jason, was very friendly. I am sure at one time they were a great couple and for now they are both on the “bench.” Commissioner James D. Endman is presiding over the case, Neil Hersh and Peter Lauzon were very nice to each other as they postured for a serious bombing run of each other’s clients, the calm before the storm if you will. And with these two titans of divorce you know that it will get ugly, it has to and why you ask? Sean Stewart…who? SEAN STEWART, Rod Stewart’s kid…he is the other man! I am not sure when he popped up but he is there and it has to be a little chafing to Mr. Kendall to see him around his soon-to-be-ex wife.

It is reported that Chantel Kendall and Sean Stewart met in re-hab, I always tell people you can find love in many places, why not re-hab? Sean was being very attentive towards Chantel and it was sweet to observe. This was just before the hearing before Commissioner Endman, then Sean took a powder — well, he actually took an elevator and did not sit in on the hearing. That was a smart thing to do, no need to piss off a guy who more likely than not has a bat close by. He too seemed like a nice kid and who am I to judge, we are all who we are.

But how cool must it be to be Rod Stewart’s kid? Sean has had years of difficulty with drugs and alcohol and has fought a tough battle with those demons. I wish all of these people the best, it is never easy for anyone to “get better,” and to stay the course. At least he is trying, and for Chantel, the stress of a divorce can push even a strong and sober individual over the edge…remember, divorce is a nasty and horrible experience. In the end you are always going to be “Mom” and Jason will always be “Dad” and if you can both “get it,” it might be better for all involved.

Was that Jeff Daniels (Dumb and Dumber) at the Rite-Aid in Studio City, picking up some flu meds for Christina Applegate? Who is her doctor…could it be? Is it possible? I swear I could see the name on the label…No, I am going to let this go…..will discuss it in 2010. Folks, it pays to keep your eyes and ears open in Hollywood! Hope you feel better soon, Christina…take care.

Ladies (especially young and pretty ones), when asked by the judge in family law court “What do you think?” in ref. to visiting with the biological father, don’t ever say, “’I’ will allow…” You will allow nothing, you have no exclusive rights, this is a “two way street” and what you think is irrelevant. In the judge’s eyes, not the “A” answer to question number one. The correct answer is, “If it is good for OUR daughter”…always be diplomatic even though you want to kill the miserable sperm donor. The judges want to see “young, hateful, and vengeful” former lovers “play nice.” And NEVER, say “MY son or MY daughter, “ say, “OUR son or OUR daughter. “ Folks, you better remember this especially in Commissioner Gordon’s courtroom. Also beware when you hear the term, “well-crafted,“ that is like when one lawyer paints a pig pink and tries to sell it as a flamingo…all in the form of legal papers presented to the court!

Talking about judges and courtrooms, don’t ever try to play any financial games in Judge Donna Fields Goldstein’s courtroom either. I swear I cannot count the number of times I have seen people give her honor “Financials” and then try to backtrack, when she reads and understands clearly who is making what, forget about it. She does not even blink when she tells the lawyers and their clients that she understands exactly what they have given her. And lie to this bench officer once and you have sealed your fate, remember what I have told all of you, tell the truth when in front of the judge or don’t open your pie hole!

And “Pro-Per” works! Yes it does, Pro-Per aka “I have no money for a lawyer” so here I go! Today, a young hispanic gentleman took on a partner of one of this city’s biggest firms! Now let me lay the foundation, The Partner was representing a young hispanic gal whose boss is some big peso guy. He retains the services of “The” Partner of the the big firm, otherwise this poor girl could not afford to park in the “The” Partner’s building never mind pay him…….so the case is called. “The” Partner who is very bright and well spoken does his thing…he is laying the field…when out of nowhere comes this young, formerly illegal (now married to a white girl, US citizen) running across the nicely laid field. It was so good I blinked and the “The” Partner adjusted his seat. The Judge is not going along with “The” Partner and he, “The” Partner cannot understand why the Judge is not buying what he is saying in defense of his client, the poor girl who has a rich friend with lots of Pesos!!!!! The Judge is giving the the former “illegal” every opportunity to continue digging in “The” Partner’s field…and the former “illegal” was doing so good till he missed the point the judge was trying to make him realize…for representing himself he did not do so bad. In the end, the well-financed mother of his child did a little better. The entertainment factor was priceless and “The” Partner is someone I consider a friend and he and I had some great laughs on this one…….

Also for you young men who have fathered children, it does not hurt to have a nice pair of slacks and a shirt and tie for going to court, and what about a pair of polished leather shoes? Am I being insensitive, no every young man should have an appropriate clothing selection for special occaisons, and it dooesn’t get much more special than going to speak to a judge in court. Yes, you should dress appropriately, and even if you have not mastered the English language at 25 years, you can at least dress for the moment. To wear old saggy Levi’s and a white t-shirt? What are you thinking? I was always told to dress like all the others in the court room, shirt and tie. Would you wear slippers to a person’s wedding? Well maybe that is not the best example, would you wear your underwear at Thanksgiving dinner at your grandmother’s home? No, and you should try to dress well for your court appearance and try to speak well and most of all think before you put your tongue in gear. And know when you are winning and STOP, yes stop talking, the judge gets it and you did not hear him or her, you were thinking of what you were going to say disparaging about the mother of your child! Relax, dress nice and think!